St Wendeler is disgusted with his fellow alumnus Sheryl Crow's hypocritical plan to Save The World By Wiping Your Bum Less. Thats right. Even Sheryl's enormous carbon footprint can be assuaged by the rest of use using only one square of toilet paper per sitting.
As a tightwad, I can sympathize. I don't want to put any Canuck forest product workers out of a job, but I offer here a couple of time tested methods to avoid using costly store-bought butt-wipe. The first I leaned from my grandfather.
"You take three red corn cobs and one white corn cob with you when you go to crap.", he said. (Grandpa went behind the shed.) I could figure out that he meant that I was to use old, dry cobs to clean my perianal region, but I had to ask about the one white cob. The answer: "Use the white one to see if you need another red one."
The other method, while using manufactured paper, adheres to Cheryl's one-square rule. I got it from a Scotsman. Take a single square of tissue and fold it in half diagonally, forming a right triangle. Next you fold the square again to achieve a long, pointy triangle. Tear off and keep the very tip of this triangle, then open it from the base to form a truncated cone. Insert your preferred finger into the cone and wipe. Use the tip of the cone to clean under your fingernail. Q.E.D.
If you see someone scratching their ass in public today, don't be too quick to judge. Maybe they are saving the world for you.
For a picture of a one square wipe gone very wrong, see A Good Question at Riehl World View.
Warning: frank visual content.
Ferdy the Conservative Cat has another way to take the One-Sit, One Square pledge cleanly: Just buy Sheryl Crow's new "One Sheet Fits All" toilet paper, coming to a store near you soon.