September 08, 2008

All Earth's problems: solved by science this week?

Large Hadron Collider - click to see it in action
I was getting ready to write my 9/11 Islamic terrorist attack anniversary blog post when I saw in the news that there may not be any more 9/11s. Some folks are saying that all of the world's problems might be solved this coming Wednesday, September 10th by a group of high energy physicists in Europe.

The scientists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN), working in spite of death threats from sissies afraid to face a new trouble-free world, will start up the Large Hadron Collider at their gigantic particle accelerator which straddles Switzerland and France near Geneva. The ostensible reason for expending these enormous amounts of money and electricity is to 'discover' the elusive Higgs Boson. This explanation is so transparent and facile as to be worthy of derision. There must be an ulterior motive for all this bother and expense.

I think the idea is to save the earth by destroying it. Remember the famous Viet-Nam era quote (the one that nobody can recall who said it) "We had to burn the village to save it"? I suspect the same reasoning is being surreptitiously applied to the LHC. Human beings are widely thought by the fruits of academe to be bent on ruining the Earth and, eventually, the whole universe. What better way to keep things 'natural' than to get rid of the human pests and the conditions that spawned them?

The old feeder remembers a ride on the cable car up to the summit of the Zugspitze. My first wife was with me and she was so nervous that it was obvious. Someone asked her what she was worried about. She snapped back, "What if the cable breaks?" The other passenger said calmly, "If that happens, all your troubles will be over." The same reasoning applies to the results of powering up the Large Hadron Collider.

If, as predicted, a black hole is created by this device and it grows into a matter sucking monster instead of disappearing via some prophesied Hawkings Radiation, then the Earth will be destroyed and all our worries will be ended. You can bet on it.
Dr. Brian Cox, one of the boy-scientist whiz kids leading the LHC project, (so young, I wouldn't trust him with the car keys) has this to say to folks advocating a cautious approach to creating black holes here on Earth: "Anyone who thinks the LHC will destroy the world is a twat."

Thats good enough for me. I'm no twat. Fire up that black hole!

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