Cease and Desist!

That Other White Meat?

Have you ever gotten a "cease and desist" demand because of something you posted on the internet? I got a laugh out of this one that ThinkGeek got from lawyers representing the National Pork Board (The Other White Meat people) demanding the Geeks stop using a similar sounding slogan for their Canned Unicorn Meat. The Pork Board's stodgy lawyers really egg up their faces; I hope they didn't bill the Pork Board anything over the retainer for this brilliant piece of legal work.

I've only gotten one serious "cease and desist" demand from a real lawyer representing a real company with a real beef. I manufactured and marketed adult ant farms on the internets. As it turns out Uncle Milton, who makes Uncle Milton's plastic toy Ant Farms owns the words "Ant Farm".

Uncle Miltie's lawyer agreed with me that I could go on using the words Ant Farm as long as I noted that Miltie was the owner. Heck, I wasn't competing with Milton's cheesy plastic toys. I made the Genuine Bauman Formicarium, a furniture quality ant habitat for the adult enthusiast.
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Such Tripe!
The Pork Board's law firm web site actually features this statement:

Sustainability is a priority for our firm. We also believe environmental stewardship and effective client service are fundamentally connected. When Faegre & Benson participated in a sustainability pledge campaign in April, more than 500 employees promised to add three environmentally friendly actions to their work habits. The result? More Together.

500 more together employees took the pledge. Save us from being PC.

I called Congress

Loser's Cathedral

I called Congress. I don't think they were listening. Perhaps I should have called the Politburo instead.

Laying Blame

Losing the war in Viet-Nam

In my opinion, the United States has been damaged more severely in the last year than any time I can remember. American status as a world leader has been degraded, the economy is nearly destroyed, the national coffers have been emptied and our debt has multiplied to the point that we must borrow abroad like poor relatives.

Previously, I had thought that the US nadir of my lifetime was the time after our disastrous defeat in Viet-Nam. Today has those grim times beat, hands down.

Who do I blame? I'll start with the Republican Party, the last years of George Bush's administration and John McCain. These three crippled our ability to fight off the poison of Marxist thought. The source of that poison gets the rest of the blame. The Democrat Party, the Democrat controlled Congress and, most of all, the Obama administration. The poison has gone systemic and there is no clear antidote.

It is going to take decades to restore our nation. I don't think I will live to see America recover. I am plagued with the thought that we don't have what it takes to make a recovery at all.

I see our only hope being in a fundamental change in our election process. A large minority of Americans aren't fit to vote and should be stricken from the rolls. We need to make the right to vote something of value again. Being able to breathe simply isn't sufficiently exclusive.

Do I think the nation has the wisdom or the cojones to implement voter reform? I'm not optimistic, given that so many of today's voters haven't a clue about our Constitution or its historical context. What will I do about it? I'll try to live free in an unfree world. The rest of you are on your own. May the devil take the hindmost.

New Type of Identity Thieves?

These rascals will pay your bills!

The old feeder has a gasoline company credit card. I got it to keep track of my fuel expenses, and have used it for more than 20 years. It is a commercial card, issued in the name of a business. Once I got situated here in New Mexico I tried to change the billing address on the card. I paid the most recent bill (in full, as always) and checked the little box on the statement stub indicating that I had printed my new address on the back.

The other day I got a letter from the card issuer demanding that I formally request the change of address on my 'letterhead' and confirm the new address by enclosing a utility bill showing the same. The letterhead would have been easy. It's just a Word document that I can edit any time. For a number of reasons, I've never had my utilities in my own name. Not the telephone, the gas or the electric, and as long as the bills were paid on time, nobody seemed to care. I decided to call the card issuer by phone and get this straightened out.

The customer service person was most helpful and the address was changed after I identified myself to their satisfaction. No need for the letterhead or utility bill. The incident left me wondering, what kind of shenanigans was the original request designed to prevent?

Is there some new type of identity thief who is willing to pay your bills just to use your name? One that changes the billing address on your credit cards so that the bills come to their house instead of yours? Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't see the advantage to the thief or any great risk to me.

Le Boudin

Voilà - click to hear

Tiens, voilà du boudin, voilà du boudin, voilà du boudin Pour les Alsaciens, les Suisses et les Lorrains, Pour les Belges, y en a plus, Pour les Belges y en a plus, Ce sont des tireurs au cul. Pour les Belges, y en a plus, Pour les Belges y en a plus, Ce sont des tireurs au cul.

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Looks like fun, no? A chance for a new life. Get some.

Plumb Tuckered Out

I used to clean up nice

The feedlot is turning brown and square. I'm so tired that I can't think of anything to post here.

This old photo of myself is now my profile picture on FaceBook. I'm sporting new gear, even the Randall knife was new. I should have listened to Ben Franklin's advice: “Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.”
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Click the pic and the post title to read about Mitchell Werbell III. I was fascinated by the cat when the photo was taken.

Full Moon

Blackbirds - click

One day the old feeder was sick as a dog and down in the dumps. I was at a rude cabin in the woods along the Little Sioux River in Iowa, and the grove was thick with noisy blackbirds. Dad Bones stopped in and quickly analyzed my condition. He loaded our old 12 gauge shotgun and told me he knew what would make me feel better.

We went out on the porch and he said I should see how many blackbirds I could kill with one shot. I aimed into a thick part of the flock and fired. At least seven birds dropped immediately; the uninjured birds flew with a whoosh of wings. Several wounded birds stayed, only to drop to the ground one at a time.

I felt better.

Ever wake up in a strange alley with a fractured skull and amnesia? Its one of those days, and there are no blackbirds in sight.

Worried about "Swine Flu"?

Defoe - a better Great Plague read than Pepys

The old feeder's family gives him a raft of shit for living a secluded, hermit-like life. Besides the fact that I've always preferred solitude to whatever the opposite is said to be, I avoid people partly to avoid the diseases they carry. Having cirrhosis of the liver, almost any nasty virus could finish me off.

There is certainly no shortage of swine flu alarmists. Oddly enough, most of them seem to one worlders who figure that only increased statism, big government health care, or UN rule can save us. There are others who disagree and advise the peasantry to relax and go to a movie. The old feeder sides against the alarmists, more because of their totalitarian bent than their science. I'm still not planning to hang out in crowded, virus and bacteria infested places.

One of my favorite books is Daniel Defoe's A Journal of the Plague Year. My old copy, bought when paperback classics could be had for sixty cents, is pictured above. I read it about once every two years or whenever the news talk turns to epidemics. Its a novel; Defoe was just a kid when the bubonic plague came to London in 1665. But it is nearly a first hand account by a great writer.

Samuel Pepys, the London diarist of the day, covers the Great Plague (and everything else that he saw) but his plague coverage is not as captivating to read as Defoe. Defoe's details can be shocking, disgusting, poignant and disconcerting. People avoided crowds in those days, even though they didn't understand how the plague was spread. I suppose it was a safe bet that some of the people you might have seen on the street in the London of 1665 had fleas. Fleas are great jumpers.

If you want pure plague entertainment, I suggest Edgar Allan Poe's very short story, The Masque of the Red Death. You can read it here and read about it here.
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Join the Disease of the Month Club. Pay your dues a year in advance and get a free broken bone.

Bad Law?

Igor Stravinsky's Mug Shot

Anything you read about pianist, composer and conductor Igor Stravinsky must mention his arrest for tweaking the US National Anthem. Wiki: "On April 15, 1940, Igor Stravinsky's unconventional major seventh chord in his arrangement of the Star-Spangled Banner led to his arrest by the Boston police for violating a federal law that prohibited the reharmonization of the National Anthem."

There seems to be no record of Igor doing time in a federal penitentiary, so the music police must have let him off with a warning. The law must have been repealed. Somehow, I find myself wishing the current Congress would spend more time deliberating such weighty matters. Some silly music laws would be more palatable than the results of their current efforts to reharmonize our Constitution to suit national socialist thought.
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The old feeder never much liked Stravinsky's stuff. I admit that, as a kid, I liked the adaptation of The Rite of Spring that Walt Disney used in Fantasia. This might be because it wasn't a real ballet, or because Stravinsky himself called it "execrable", only changing his tune after seeing the color of Walt's money.
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Shouldn't Roseanne Barr have been severely punished for this?

John 'Magic Fingers' Houghtaling Dead

Magic Fingers Motel Box

News item: John Houghtaling, inventor of the Magic Fingers system, has passed away at age 92 in Florida. May he rest in peace in a non-vibrating coffin.

If you have spent half as much time in seedy motels and cheap hotels as the old feeder, you are familiar with the Magic Fingers box that was often found in them. Put a quarter in the firmly affixed box's slot and you would be treated to an annoying buzz and a vibrating bed that even a dog wouldn't use.

The only time I was ever suckered into trying one I was suffering from jet lag and thought it might help. The only result was to delay my wretched attempts to sleep for fifteen minutes. Jumping immediately out of the bed, I had to sit in the tiny room chair as I waited out the buzzing. I worried that the mechanism was stuck and would never quit.

Some folks must have liked them, since Mr. Houghtaling was able to retire to Florida. I can't help but think that his success might be due in part to the fact that he was selling the miserable contraptions to motel and hotel management, and not to end users. I'll bet none of the hoteliers that bought them ever used one.

Cop a Laugh

Grieving Widow Faces Uphill Battle

Iowahawk swats another one!

WASHINGTON -- The widow of the housefly murdered by Barack Obama during a recent CNBC television interview announced this morning that she would be filing a wrongful death suit against the President in federal district court. The plaintiff brief -- citing pain, suffering and loss of income -- seeks a formal apology and compensatory damages, including an unspecified quantity of shit.

You should read the whole piece. The man is a master of satire.

Preposition Choice: No Hope

Hopeful Survivors?

The old feeder used to teach Turks how to use English prepositions. It was difficult because the Turkish language doesn't use prepositions. They use agglutinated postpositions.

I found two internet news headlines that were trying to say the same thing: that there won't be any survivors from the Air France flight that crashed into the Atlantic. The editors' choice of prepositions, however, yielded two very different meanings. Read the headlines and see if you can spot the problem:

• Air France says no hope of survivors in Atlantic - AP
• Air France says no hope for survivors - ABC News

I emphasized the operative prepositions. See the difference in meaning?

The first headline says it right, we shouldn't hold out any hope that there were any survivors of the catastrophe. The second headline implies that there were survivors, but that they have no hope of rescue.

Its is sad to see professional users of the English language screw it up so badly. It isn't just the American Way that is dying. Our language is dying with it.
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Sample lesson from my teaching notes:

You are at the firing range. Do you fire your weapon [by - toward - near - at - in - to] the target?
Choose the appropriate preposition.

The Turks generally chose toward or to. With prepositions, there aren't always clear cut rules, only acceped usages which must be learned by rote. Still, nuanced choices DO affect meaning. Click the post title for a preposition quiz.

New Government Motors Cadillac

New 2-seater - Traditional Look

If it looks like chrome, its plastic. In fact, the entire body is blow-molded plastic recycled from pop bottles. Its so light, you won't need a jack to change tires. It runs on apple juice and only fresh air is emitted from the tiny exhaust pipe. You have a choice between carrying a bag of groceries or a passenger. In early road tests, the new Government Motors Caddy was a bit hard to handle in crosswinds. Crash test results aren't in yet.
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I'm glad the Hummer will avoid Obamafication.
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Update: It looks like Red China is taking over the Hummer brand. I wonder if the ChiComs are going to produce the Humvee for the US military now.

Fed IG Elizabeth Coleman and 9 Trillion dollars

Federal Reserve Inspector General Elizabeth Coleman

Click over to RedStateEclectic blog to watch a short video of US Congressman Alan Grayson asking Federal Reserve IG Elizabeth Coleman "where the money went." IG Coleman is clueless.

If you pay federal income taxes, her answers will make you cry. If not, feel free to laugh at her.

Daily Bread

Old Feeder's Breakfast

Breakfast at home usually consists of oatmeal, a cup of strong coffee, a tomato and a serrano pepper. I like it. It uses a minimum of tableware, and satisfies my appetite. I don't like to wash dishes.

Due to dietary constraints, breakfast is one of the few meals that I can eat at restaurants. I usually order two eggs over easy and hash brown potatoes. I ask that nothing be seasoned, and don't order toast or pancakes. The best breakfasts of this type in the Omaha area can be found at the 11-Worth Cafe at 24th and Leavenworth in downtown Omaha and Shirley's Diner in the Millard Plaza.

The 11-Worth has the disadvantage of being a long drive from my far West Sarpy County digs. On the plus side, the place has big windows so you can watch the dope pushers work the corner. It is often crowded, as befits a place that serves good food.

Shirley's Diner only serves breakfast until 11:00 AM, so you can't wait until lunchtime to get your eggs and hash browns. It has the big advantage of being quite close to home. Heaven help you, however, should a fire break out in the kitchen when the place is packed. One exit requires patrons to pass the kitchen, the other has a cattle chute like approach. I feel safe; the cats that patronize Shirley's don't look like the panicky type.

A close third are the Vidlak's Cafes. There are several locations, all offering excellent service and great food. The only conceivable negative is the atmosphere; all of them that I visit are in strip malls and are sparsely decorated. The 11-Worth and Shirley's have atmosphere to spare, although the two places couldn't be more different if they tried.

One thing all these excellent eateries have in common is the presence of the owners or one of the owners' relatives. Restaurants that rely only on hired managers to keep things running right risk becoming unpleasant in one way or another.

Try a serrano pepper for breakfast! Just keep that tomato and a bowl of soothing oatmeal close at hand.

The most important constant in the universe

Do you know what the most important numerical constant in the universe is? It has been called the closest man has ever come to perfection. The answer is in the comments.

Cop a Laugh

Then why am I laughing?

Here is a good one. Trying to sell their mercury light bulbs and windmills in the face of an increasing body of facts putting the lie to their basic premise, the Global Warming wackos are turning to linguistic sophistry. Fisking from Stop the ACLU: Gee, If Only We Could Rename Global Warming, People Would Care. Snicker.
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Link: New York Times, Seeking to Save the Planet, With a Thesaurus.

Sorry we depicted you nice chaps as Japs and Krauts

Aporogize! Schnell!

From Babalu Blog: "Obama apologizes for the way the Germans and Japanese were depicted In MGM and WB cartoons in the 1940's." Click over and watch a cool cartoon.

He sure doesn't speak for me. PTG sent this link in with this comment: "If it weren't for those cartoons (and American willingness to fight evil to the bitter end) we would all be eating sauerkraut with chopsticks today."

Camba Cola Jara

The Movie Poster

Camba Cola Jara Camba cola jara, el gaucho negro De tirador ladeado que le llegaba Hasta los pies Jineteador volaba, cada madrugada Entre la blanca niebla de las aguadas Camba cola jara cuentan que supo Montar el potro conque La muerte vino por él Alzó las alas de su sombrero Y tras la vieja pora del agua diz que se fue Fantasma negro y blanco Con don peli ramírez Cruzaba las lagunas de oro y al volver Traía larga sombra Dorada llamarada La caña entre sus labios Con un regusto a miel Camba cola jara cuando cantaba El vino ardiente de los troperos en el palmar Cangüi la luna se desangraba En la guitarra de su alma, camba cola Qué puñalada de poesía Ese tu gran pañuelo color cielo Mi gaucho negro

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There really is a movie, Gaucho Negro, from which I swiped the original poster. Released in 1991, it is a Brazilian adventure flic, distributed by Art Filmes e Columbia Pictures; I haven't seen it. I've never heard Argentine singer Teresa Parodi's song, either. Its just a bit of fun. I jiggered the poster up after watching Barack get suckered by the Bolivarian Alternative stooges at the ALBA conference.

US plants, trees to sue feds over CO2 rules

Corn in Court?

The global warming wackos may well have made enemies among the tree-hugger branch of the environmentalist movement. Faction has raised its ugly head to threaten wacko solidarity. It was bound to happen.

The tree-huggers are accelerating their push to win the right to vote and to file lawsuits for trees and other plants. At the same time, the Climate Change/Global warming movement is pressuring Congress to pass legislation severely restricting the production of carbon dioxide (CO2). The conflict: plant life depends on CO2 for its very existence. Increasing the level of CO2 in the atmosphere would cause plants to thrive. Decreasing it would arguably harm plant life.

Decreasing the atmospheric CO2 will certainly make Global Warming believers feel like they are "doing something" to stave off an imagined catastrophe for humans and animals, but at what cost to the plants? That will be the central issue in a federal class action lawsuit now being planned by plant advocates. Because they have yet to win full standing for plants to file suit on their own, chlorophilians are soliciting volunteer lawyers to serve as guardians ad litem for our green brothers and sisters.

It isn't clear whether the plant life advocates will be satisfied with blocking new CO2 limiting laws and regulations or if they will sue for even more. They may argue that increasing the nation's output of CO2 would be in the best interest of all plants. The lawsuit may ask the courts to order such a result, possibly by requiring the construction of more fossil fuel power generation facilities or easing emission standards for automobiles.
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N.B.
In the USA, plants significantly outnumber humans; if they ever get the vote...